Diary of a Nutty Woman
31st December 2012 5:45am
I awoke at 5:20am and already a trillion (maybe less) thoughts have gone through my head; this will either be yet another page in the life of the journal that is my life or the start of the book that I must write! It all depends really on whether I survive the next few days, weeks, months, and whether this bloody irritating tinnitus will ever bloody cease!
I wish I was as talented as say Raymond Briggs who can write and illustrate his pain and frustration whilst at the same time delivering joy from his work.
Mine will not be joy but a calamitous gathering on paper of my utter misery! And if you want to read on after that line then your better than I am Gunga Din! (Hopelessly, misquoting, Kipling is it?)
As a writer (get me!) I suppose I should have a target audience in mind, well I don’t write for an audience darling, I do it as a form of therapy for myself, it is a release valve a stop cock if you will, I let the random thoughts and bullshit that is screwing up my life flow! (In no particular order!)
But for this exercise my target audience is my future Therapist, although once he reads this he may never be my Therapist at all! Having decided already that,
“ TO THE NUT HOUSE SHE MUST GO!”
Why do I say that? You may be wondering?
“She definitely is suffering from an inferiority complex, or at least a lack of confidence!”
Well no, I disagree, but then again I would, although it is me that has sought therapy and had to self refer!
“Internal conflict, very interesting,”
I have no confidence in systems that analyze behaviours, whilst they may be based on thorough outdated research, I am an individual and so are the rest of the 7 billion people who inhabit planet earth!
Each and every one of us are affected differently by circumstances, it is what you do with yourself once you have been affected that dictates the person you become, how you live your life and how you cope with the shit that is thrown from a great height at you! ……………
(A series of ….. indicates a long pause of reflection, while I try and focus in on what I am trying to say!)
And above all else how you move on!
I am at the moment trying to figure out how I move on with my life, my next step, what to do, how to achieve what? A solution, a victory? Normality (whatever that is) or just maybe simply not to wake up in the middle of the night crying, or snap at someone because they inadvertly (or otherwise) say the wrong thing! To conduct myself in public without a panic attack, or crumbling into hysteria and a mountain of tissues, or worse still, tell the judicial system what I really think of them, and their treatment of Children, Mothers, Grandparents and their beloved Grandchildren.
There now, it only took me five hundred words to tell you the main source of my problems at the moment , I have to represent myself in court in the battle to maintain contact with my Grandchild, contact that has already been hard fought and won in the last four/five years but has now been suspended since May 2012.
It is a battle that I will continue to fight with every fibre of my rotting body and with every last breath in it! ( Not dramatic at all there, am I?)
I consider myself to be a kind, patient, tolerant person, with a self-deprecating if not sometimes, wry, sarcastic sense of humour, and of course there are the equal opposites in me too! (But I am as all people, trying to convey the positives in me!)
Why do all processes have to take so long?
When you fall as a child and scrape your knee, a little plaster and a little tender loving care will have you feeling better in no time, the older you get it requires more than a sticking plaster to fix a graze!
Because I still have a child’s mentality, I find it difficult to navigate the waters I now find myself in!
So then what do I want or need a therapist for, at the tender age of fifty?
I need new coping mechanisms, not that I ever really had any, I need a fresh independent approach, my family and me too, are worried for my mental and physical health.
I need a metaphorical switch inserting into my brain to become less emotional (yes, even I can’t believe I’m asking for this??) well let’s say less emotional at inappropriate times, i.e. take my heart off my sleeve and hide it and protect it, at least, so that I don’t keep feeling like it is constantly being ripped out of my chest by wolves, chewed, vomited out and stamped on by the Judiciary, CAFCASS and Social Services! (Slightly too graphic? Maybe?)
You may well be thinking don’t put your heart on Tumblr either!
I do it for so many reasons as stated above, and so others are aware of the issues I and others face, for some positive feedback to keep me going,(please) so that an illustrator out there can collaborate with me on a useful book to aid Grandparents and Grandchildren, but most of all for my Granddaughter so she will one day find it and know that I never gave up or stopped trying to give her, her own voice! and not some twisted version of it, as presented to me on 22nd December in the form of the latest psychological assessment!
Wish us luck and say a little prayer for us as we return to court this week.
Raymond Briggs is the Artist, writer, cartoonist and graphic illustrator of notable works such as; The Snowman, When The Wind Blows, Father Christmas, Fungus the Bogeyman, Ethel and Ernest : A True Story.